It is the evening after a ceremony weekend, or the purge as it is also known, a whole year since my first time sitting with the ancient jungle brew Ayahuasca. There is an egocentric idea in the minds of many people that think that what happens on a medicine journey can be done on ones own. So they watch from the distance and judge. Though, all one has to do is turn on the television for a few minutes of the evening news to see just how good humanity handles things on its own. Indeed there are many paths to the deepest awakening of life purpose available to us all during this wonderful age of ascension, and in that regard, it is vitally important to protect this very special one. A knowing of which is only available to you in countless documentaries and articles because our amazon is being destroyed, and thus from the destruction this secret was exposed. So our plant guardians are reaching out to those who will listen, and that is the calling one hears before drinking Ayahuasca. The subtlety of plant communication made clear in the heart of ones awareness. It is the desire to experience a mode of healing that hasn’t gone through the rational mind of science, or the pockets of big pharma.
After a deep betrayal a few years ago, my life began to spiral slowly out of control. I found myself in the company of poisonous people (I fully acknowledge that at times, I too have been the poisonous one for others, so this is not about blame) who did not want to see me succeed. My life consisted of living within a beauty destroying nest of hungry venomous snakes who were addicted to drugs and keeping it a secret. So, step one of my healing, was taking responsibility for the situation I allowed myself to be asleep in due to a lack of self-respect, and a lack of self-love. You see, I wanted the healing for others more than I sought it for myself; dedicated my life to it. Though, what I call “healing” I have come to understand as a remembering of the perfection that is already within, at the time however, I approached it from a perspective of trying to “fix” people, and even myself. The call of the medicine got louder and louder during this time, and after a failed attempt at raising the funds to go to Peru, I began to fine tune my intent. I allowed into my awareness the possibility that maybe these kinds of ceremonies were being done in the U.S.A but underground, and I was right.
Though I will not go into specific details due to our current laws around entheogenic compounds, I will say that working with Ayahuasca was not my first mind altering experience. Though, heart altering is a more accurate description. In fact, these experiences have been pivotal in the unfolding of my ability to forgive and be a vibrating source of tireless love for so many in my life. Meditation has also been a vital tool for the integration and application of entheogenic experiences that forced me to break open my human level of compassion by contemplating the kind of compassion it takes to be a planet. So when I weigh the ability of our planet’s heart to give, next to the ability of my own heart to give, I see that the room for growth is infinite. A heart full of pain can not support life. So, meditating on planetary compassion now comes with a richness of layered meaning that wasn’t available to me before. Yet I understand that “the planet’s heart” is still a foreign concept to some. If even just a thought, it is a beautiful thought that if integrated into ones awareness, and the awareness of those in positions of power specifically, the destruction of our forests would not be happening, nor would the bombing of each other be a real thing in our world.
I can write pages upon pages of the images I’ve seen during these journeys, and speak to you of the ancestors greeting me with joy. However, the message that came through after a year of clearing childhood traumas, stepping into my path as a shaman and more, was: Remember what you didn’t see. After a year of repeating the message “remember what you see” La Madre Medicina flipped it on me! I am not only in awe of the teaching, but in how it was delivered. How is it that a plant remembered its place in the pages of the book of inspiring my life? How does it remember where it left off, and continue teaching months later? We are being called to remember that beyond the perceivable spectrum of light, there is still light. We are being called to remember that beyond the perceivable spectrum of sound, there is still sound. We are being called to remember that beyond the perceivable spectrum of feeling there are still feelings unknown, untapped – the uncharted territories of creation. Entire worlds dwell in lightless silent spaces. It is from these spaces that the complexity of imagination has its origin, and is then made manifest in our physical reality.
So a year later, I’m still with the same lovely community, and I’ve made some very special friends who understand me, and support me blossoming into more than I ever imagined for my life. I sometimes sing in ceremony and play my steel tongue drum Tully, her name means peace. Thanks to Ayahuasca I got over the fear of being a musician, and in allowing my heart to sing, I help others do the same. You should see me banging my djembe down the street, playing my didgeridoo for the neighborhood, or playing Tully in the subway. After a year of this work, I am happy to say that I feel like it is wonderful to be myself. I used to hate existing, and that is now a thing of the past.
Seeing In The Dark
remember what you didn’t see
hiding for eternity
the phantoms that swim
in spaces unknown
until you decide to make them shown
and you can hold them hiding well
though they bring chaos as they swell
flashing lights and secret sights
in sacred spaces glow
as you seek the more you learn
remember what they didn’t show
-by Kevon Simpson (written during ceremony)
La Madre. La Medicina. Gracias Gracias Gracias.
What is in you is wild and repressed. You hide by lowering your volume, and by trying to silence what is externally loud, as your heart screams its disastrous vibrations above it all. There is nothing to conquer, when someone allows you to help, it is not an invitation to take everything over. In positions of leadership, your suppressed wild side shows. Temporarily in the shadow, it waits for its moment to deconstruct and destroy the beautiful gift being presented to you. When trapped in ego, you allow the rising of the hidden shadow to win, you allow yourself to blame the poison in you on someone else. You bring the chaos, by nature of the chaos within you, that you ignore. Look in the mirror, and be honest with how you prepared for the ceremony. Take into account the energetic residue of the days before and the actions you took. Lots of TV, sex, drugs, unhealthy foods, and partying is not how to prepare for a ceremony, especially if you are in a position of leadership. There is not enough sage in the world that will take away the fact that you have to work on cleansing your own energy as a daily part of your life, while being mindful of who you allow to walk through it. You’re not a garbage can.
Don’t pretend to know or understand what anyone is doing, saying, or feeling, until you have made resting in silence a priority in your life. You can’t truly hear anyone through the noisy filter of a clouded mind filled with expectations. You can’t feel the sincerity, nor trust the process of what is being presented, from a fearful heart. You can’t control the gift, nor the gift giver. When you attempt that, you rob yourself of the surprise that brings joy, because you think only your way is the way. It is impossible for you to control everything. You don’t walk into the emergency room and start doing your own stitches. Allow yourself to be helped. Humility is key, you were alone before the thing to be “taken over” presented itself, it is that desire of taking things over and controlling what is not yours, that keeps you in addictive lonely spirals. You want to numb the feeling of failure from trying to control that which you can not. The work is bigger than us all, sit down and learn. If you think you can do it better, please, start. More people are needed. Learn the medicine songs, write your own, learn the meditations, read the books, write the poetry prayers, create the following, create the questionnaire, read them, learn the instruments, be an activist outside of ceremony, respond to each need with sincerity, remember repeatedly that it is not about you, show up strong despite how exhausting the preparation can be, survive being ignored and under appreciated, be willing to die for it, be willing to be locked up for it, take the risk. If none of that sounds like it is to your liking, please be quiet, sit down, and take that moment to pull the blanket over your head and cry, be open to being helped, let the pain out. My body is not my age, neither is yours.
See beyond the limitation.
I See – is a prayer.
Freedom to be wild.
Love and Kindness are enough.
Be born today. Allow yourself to be born. Birthing is difficult for the one being born, and the one holding the experience in compassionate care long enough for you to pass through. Fear not what is on the other side of being born so much that you stay in the tunnel, the in between of becoming. The butterfly is useless in the cocoon, or perhaps not useless – food for another being. That which does not become, goes swiftly to decay. The cycle must continue. It’s not that you have to know better, you just have to remember better. It’s not that time waits for no one, it’s that you are time, and you’ve forgotten the depth of the part you play in creating the beauty you have come to admire as something outside of yourself. Words can forever only touch, they can only hint, they can only point in the direction towards the images of the infinite. You are one with it all, one with the infinite, so the voice you hear in your head is also that, you should follow your own advice, the wise part of yourself that stands still in the middle of crumbling chaos. Stop silencing that, stop allowing that voice to get lost in the noise. There is no such thing as noise, every thing has purpose, what annoys you in regards to what you call noise, is that it takes you deeper away from hearing your own inner silent note (words fail me here, for if a note is silent can it be called such?). Make time for hearing it against all odds. But here we are again, you can not make time, you are it. Remember that you can hear the wisdom of your very own soul, remember that it has value, remember that no one can reveal that value to you but you. That is why you are here, to remember that value, and to sing it out into the world. I am not a writer. I am writing. Not as an action, as a state of being. I am writing, I am it. Who cares? What are you…
On the mornings when it is hard to get up, on those days when you feel like your body and the world has betrayed you, remember that nothing is permanent. From the seeds of your despair a new beginning is being created, but you will have to free your heart from bitterness to receive it. On those mornings when the phone is too far to answer the call from a loving friend, remember the friend that lives forever in your heart. Even as the illness makes its way deeper into your blood, do not lose hope. Close your eyes and float above your life and see it from the grand perspective of all encompassing life. See how even the abuse that has happened to you, once you get over it, can become a source of compassion and understanding that allows you to help and free others. The only mistake is not seeing completely the possibility that you can fly above whatever the challenge is in your life at any given time. In fact, the gate has already been opened, by your ability to seek that which is nourishing, by the part of you that made it to the end of this paragraph in such a busy distracting world. Have a blessed day.
Too afraid to need people, too afraid to love
Too afraid to need people, too afraid to hug
Too afraid to be the one on receiving end
Too afraid to be the one, truly a friend
So, we disguise how we need people
With clever little games
Do this and do that for me now
Confusing all the names
Who is it that is owed, if everything is one
Who made the palms of hands
Perhaps that which made the drums
You are harmony made of rhythm
Pretending you don’t need music
So, alone in silence you sit and sulk
Just about to lose it
Blaming all the world
For every problem you face
Still, my compassion remains infinite
A divine gift of grace
I didn’t come to harm you
I only came to care
Now you send those broken wounds
Launched through silent air
How is it that you think
The energy was missed
I know you need me too
For you, a silent kiss
Blown from hand
In the realm of thought
where all things begin
The reason why you lose
Too focused on the win
The sideways secret game
To get more than you give
Taking food from another
Expecting them to live
You don’t see the pain you cause
Only what’s done to you
How can you let anyone in
With a barbed wire point of view
Too afraid to need people, too afraid to love
Too afraid to need people, too afraid to hug
Too afraid to be the one on receiving end
Too afraid to be the one, truly a friend
Kevon Simpson 2015 ©
Emotions can inspire change, create brilliant pieces of art, or even bring more abundance into your life when used productively. As one decides to be mindful in the face of powerful feelings, what is created within the individual, is a delicate space for choice to unfold. A space where we can choose to not say the hurtful thing, or take the vengeful act, or sabotage our very own dreams. Quite often we feel that the emotions are choosing us, and that we have no say in the matter. However, though it can be difficult at times, there is always a choice. When we practice meditation, we give our lives the gift of realizing the whispering moment that pulls us out of the passionate destructive reaction to what is happening around us.
On my most recent healing shamanic journey, something unexpected was revealed to me in a way that I will never forget. As I sat in my meditation room experiencing moments of at times tear filled pain, and others ecstatic joy, I saw a point in my mind I did not notice so clearly before. As clear as you can see the light switch on the wall, so vibrantly did I see my ability to choose joy, or misery. In the wellness community we acknowledge the infinite nature of well-being all around us, and we do not doubt that love is indeed infinite. In my journey I saw that even misery is infinite, and this was a most frightening realization. I could feel the plight of humanity deep in my bones. The reason behind how so many of my brothers and sisters are unable to see that they are choosing to live in pain became clear to me. They literally do not see that they are choosing it. How? By being caught in infinite loops of self-doubt, revenge, lack of forgiveness for self and others, crippling fear of the unknown; the list went on infinitely. My eyes widened with shock, and compassion poured out of my soul, this realization made me want to help people even more.
As the water wears down the rock, more rock is pushed up from the earth, as this is the nature of life, creation holding the hand of destruction. There is balance in both the misery and the beauty, and as sentient, conscious beings in the experience of life, who are able to analytically decipher our experience as good or bad, at times we allow our minds to over think to the point of never moving out of our own misery. What we think we figured out in our hours of analyzing, seems to add gasoline to fire, instead of putting out the flames. Then, as we succumb to the futility of our efforts, what we look for next are ways in which we can find more things to distract us from the pain within that we are unwilling to face and let go.
Letting go is the key we avoid, because we like to convince our minds that the misery of pain, is a more delicious door to open than the freedom of our relief. But that is a habit of choosing the known, that willingly leaves forgiveness as the unknown. If someone has hurt you, you believe that letting go and forgiving them, means that you will allow another to do it to you again, and you believe that your discomfort makes them suffer, but neither is the truth. A lack of forgiveness is only a comfort zone, and the source of our misery is quite often a comfort zone we have long outgrown. If you go forward with mindfulness and self respect, the same fate can not befall you once the lesson has already been learned. So then, holding on to the misery has no use, other than lowering your immune cells by increasing the hormones released by emotional distress, and causing your life great pain, due to your inability to open up and be loved by all around you.
Why let it go when it can be fuel for the artistic master piece? Why let it go when it can be the fuel for the victim mentality that leaves everyone else to take care of you? Why let go when the pain feels so good? Are you really ready to move on to your best life? Is there another way to be creatively inspired? Take time to answer those questions on your own, perhaps it is time to do things in a healthier way that sustains your overall well-being.
Though I don’t have much, I can still smile and help others smile. Many strangers have cried healing tears on my shoulders. I share with them the abundance of my compassionate heart, a heart that chooses joy instead of misery more often than not. We may not always get it right, but we can always try again in this moment, for indeed it is a new moment. In my journey I saw that misery can create a comfortable illusion, that robs one of true happiness everyday. We can be financially secure and spiritually bankrupt, for it is not having things that makes one smile from the soul, it is the love of friends, family, and living a life of fulfilled purpose that creates true joy. A joy so true that we would need no other substance to numb us from the reality of our failure.
Remember that success has many sides to it, free yourself from the misery by making time for silent introspection, and allow the letting go of what is no longer serving your higher self. Go on a Shamanic Journey with a trusted spiritual professional, and meditate on the reality of your freedom; know that you have the strength to heal and overcome whatever it is that has happened to you. Let go of all that is not helping you uphold an openhearted view of the path ahead. You deserve it, so choose it! Let that misery be infinite somewhere else!
by Kevon Simpson © 2014