Can you say it with me? “Thank you H.I.V” It’s a tough one I know. For now I can only say it with the emotions in my heart, on the tip of overflow. For now, saying that doesn’t make complete sense. It’s so much easier to just be angry – to fall into the vibration of the victim. People have asked me, or implied, “Have you come to terms with the dangerous things you did to catch it?” Without knowing anything about my life. What did I do? Enjoy a body I was meant to enjoy, while looking for love in all the wrong places? Has no one else ever done that? Do you really think it is your perfect behavior that protects you? We will all, age, get sick, and die. That is life. This is just my version of life, in this body, and part of the reason why I have this virus, is because I can get others to understand the weight of it with the use of my words. For there are many with it, who can not communicate it THIS way.
See my strength as I walk with this, and pull from it the strength you need to make it through your tough spots as well. I promise, I don’t mean to giggle at some of the problems people come to me with. All hearts hurt the same. It is about rising above the blame. It is about deciding to shift out of the vibration that kills your will to survive. During my dietas at Spiritual Dimensions in Padrecocha, Iquitos, Peru, the most difficult part of my process was seeing the soul contract I have with this virus. In some sessions I was able to see the cellular structure of it with Ayahuasca, how it operates in the physical body and shifts the emotions. In another session, in a plane of love, light, and messages from beyond duality, beyond ideas of good or bad, I saw the dance of the virus and my soul before taking this body. I am still trying to make sense of it. Hard as it is to accept at times, this is in divine order.
And so I say Thank You H.I.V for helping give me an experience of a lifetime, for without you being in my blood the dream of a lifetime would not have existed, because my other struggles were not enough to make my people want to help on that level. Not the homelessness, not the skin, not the sexuality, not the posts almost everyday despite it all, not almost getting killed in my own home two years ago, and certainly not the suicidal thoughts in the weight of it all. Do you really think that I am always smiling?
So thank you H.I.V for snapping the compassion out of the heart of my community so deeply. So that I can stand in all that I am, and for the first time in life, not feel the energy of jealousy or envy being sent my way in waves. These abilities, these gifts, this light, is the only way I can carry these burdens – yes plural – and make you really believe I am walking on privileged lucky air. No one looks at me like “Why does he have so much?” anymore.
Indeed it is a relief.